Updates and Months Seven and Eight

Well, much has happened since we last posted in April.

JJ took a position with Youth for Christ in the West Central neighborhood here in Spokane. We wrapped up at Shiloh with responsibilities, but we know our relationships will never be "wrapped-up." May and June were months full of reminiscing, graduations, and preparing for transitions. God has been faithful through all of this, giving us a sense of peace about what he's doing in our lives and the lives of the students we so dearly love. We areexcited to see how students will grow and change and to watch the ministry at Shiloh do the same. We know that God works in the walls of churches as well as every other place in the world. We see this ministry at YFC as another way God is using us in his world and we are so excited to be stepping into such an incredible organization of people. If you'd like to know more about YFC in Spokane visit www.spokaneyfc.org

With some good friends from Shiloh

I graduated from Whitworth in May with my M. Ed. in School Counseling. It felt like a cruel joke because I had another month of internship, portfolio, and review board to finish, but it was a great day nonetheless. I am so proud to be a part of Whitworth and it's incredible tradition of excellence. However, if I ever tell you I am going back to school again, please give me a psychological evaluation.

With my brother Matt and my beautiful sister-in-law Kate

I finished up at Seth Woodard which was bittersweet. I can honestly say that working at Seth was the best two years of my life. I couldn't have worked with more amazing people or children. I still think about them all the time and I can't believe that I'm not going back next year. God used that place in my life to show me the worth of every kind of person under the sun and I am so grateful. The kids threw me a graduation/birthday party and then a few weeks later, a baby shower that rivals any shower I have ever been to. I couldn't have felt more honored.

Summer began with a bang as we left right away to go to the weddings of JJ's close friend and his sister. Joel and Jeannie were married in a beautiful ceremony in Snohomish, WA and we think they are a perfect match. We were delighted to sing in their wedding and JJ stood by Joel as his best man.

Emily and Jason were married the following weekend in Seattle, WA. I can't even adequately describe how incredible this event was. Emily and Jason have blessed us so much and we were excited to stand with them at their wedding. Emily was a vision and Jason was the happiest man on earth. It was a perfectly sunny day in Seattle and we had a wonderful week celebrating their marriage. The Soucineks are moving to Spokane in July, so we are overjoyed to have them around.

We got back on Sunday and I had an appointment the following morning. I expected the doctor to say what she said last time which was that I am right on track for my expected due date. However, she let me know that I am currently three centimeters dilated (freebies!) and 80 % effaced. Google that if you are confused. That's what I did. Thy gave me a non-stress test because the baby hasn't been moving as much and his heartbeat looked great and it also showed that I am contracting every seven minutes. My doctor said I'm pretty lucky to have no idea what is going on in my body. But now that I'm aware, I'm all of a sudden always uncomfortable for the first time this whole pregnancy. I feel like I am waiting for a bomb to drop. She thinks I'll deliver this week or next, but you never know.

34 Weeks

35 Weeks

36 Weeks

37 Weeks

OK, now that you have gotten through all of that, take a break. Here are my interpretations of months seven and eight. I'm not even sure what to think about month nine right now. I have been walking around in a daze ever since my appointment. Enjoy.

Month Seven

Refer to Month Four. Your butt got that big.

However, it will be offset by what some clinically insane people call a “baby bump.” At this point, you will begin to realize that certain activities are nearly impossible. Some are nearly impossible because doing them drives you crazy (dishes, showering, making conversation), but others are nearly impossible because you cannot physically accomplish them without some act of incontinence or simply a general inability to maneuver around said “baby bump.” For example, you may discover a pair of shoes you have not worn in quite some time. Those shoes will look perfect with the new ultra-flattering, tent-like shirt you have just purchased, so you put them on. It’s early in the morning so your feet are still a reasonable shape and size. You bend down to tie them and realize that there is something preventing you from doing so. You stand up. You try again, this time, expelling all of your breath to ensure that you will reach the laces. You will not reach the laces. For the first time since Kindergarten, you will not be able to tie your shoes. This is not because you have forgotten if the bunny goes in the hole before or after he goes around the tree. It is because your “bump” is an impassable fortress threatening the very life of your new fashion statement.

Speaking of Kindergarten, you will being to find yourself doing many things you have not done since Kindergarten. First, as I mentioned before, you might pee your pants. Right when you tell yourself that you just went the bathroom and you couldn’t possibly have to pee again, a certain fetus of yours will do a headstand on your bladder. This is incidentally why you will begin wearing long dresses. Not because you have actually peed on yourself, but simply to erase the fear that someone will notice if you do. Please note, that just because you are pregnant does not mean that you can get away with everything. Peeing on yourself in public is in no way one of those things when people think, “Oh, she’s pregnant, you say? She has every right.” At this point, you only have every right to have cankles and cellulite. Sorry.

You will also continue having outbursts much like you did when you were five. Here is a secret no one will tell you: This is an instance when people will say,”Oh, she’s pregnant, you say? She has every right.”

It’s amazing what you can get away with. Of course, pre-meditated outbursts are still unacceptable, but when the occasional outburst occurs and you feel terrible about it (which you will), you don’t have to tell anyone about your guilt. Let it slide. This may be the only time since you were five that you can say what’s really on your mind and no one will blame you for it.

At this point, you have likely forgotten what it was like to not be pregnant and you probably are feeling pretty good about the way you look and feel. You have likely stopped worrying about eating too much at parties because you can’t possibly have a “food baby.” Also, you don’t even have the option to pull your pants up over your pooch or muffin top, because they have simply disappeared. You might even tell yourself that you look like a goddess because, you actually do. Enjoy it.

Month Eight

If this hasn’t occurred already, this will be the point in your pregnancy when you have exhausted all of your stock responses to baby comments and questions about your pregnancy. When people ask if you know what you are having, instead of responding and waiting for the next inevitable questions (Have you picked out a name yet? and When is the due date?), you will begin responding like so:

“It’s a _______. Yes, we have a name. No I’m not telling you what it is. And the baby is due on _________.”

Or when someone says, “Oh, you’re pregnant,” you will begin resisting the temptation to tell then that it’s just a tumor. You might even try something like,”So that’s what’s going on in there!” or “Yeah, but I haven’t told my husband--I’m waiting for the right time.”

At this point, some things that were never options for you to say and do before are suddenly completely rational. Here is a personal story:

I was at the supermarket looking at lettuce. A woman came up behind me, awkwardly close, and looked at the same lettuce. Every time I moved, she moved with me. So, I went to a new aisle to get some peanut butter. I poked my head around the corner to the produce section and saw that the coast was clear, so I made my way to the lettuce. I am there for no more than 15 seconds when the same lady came back to peer over my shoulder at the lettuce. Eight months ago, this would have creeped me out and I would have just left without lettuce. But this was not eight months ago. I proceeded to turn around and stare her down. I said something like, “I don’t know if you are a secret shopper or what, but you have gotten weirdly close to me twice now while I am looking at lettuce. You need to BACK OFF! Do some other shopping like a normal person until I am done shopping for lettuce. This will take a lot less time if you go away and let me pick a head of freaking lettuce.”

I then grabbed a head of freaking lettuce and walked away feeling completely normal. I finished my shopping with a clear conscience. While I likely destroyed that woman’s life for a night, she probably told someone that she was accosted by a pregnant woman at the store and they surely said something like, “Yeah, but she’s pregnant, you should cut her some slack.”

At least that’s what I told myself so I can sleep at night.

I digress.

This month, you will begin realizing that you will not indeed be pregnant forever. You might even resist the temptation to shop for maternity clothes. This is either because you are tired of thinking of new ways to not look huge or because you are seeing the light at the end of the tunnel telling you that you won’t be needing maternity clothes soon. You may begin to feel kind of not so goddess-like anymore. On the plus side, goddesses wear togas so muumuus are actually more historically accurate.

Hopefully by this point, the panic is setting in and you are doing something about it. Like throwing everything in your house out whether it’s useful or not. My husband has been digging through the garbage to find most of his things. He pulled out an alarm clock with coffee grounds and egg all over it and said, “Why did you throw this out? I paid $90 for this in college!”

All I could say was, “Well, I’ve never used it and you shouldn’t have spent $90 on a clock in college. Consider dumpster diving your penance for wasting $90 on a clock.”

Please remember that babies don’t care if your life is totally in order. Also realize that even if your life is organized and everything is in place for another person to live in your house, it won’t stay that way. Not because you will be totally out of control with a kid, but because that’s life. So, give yourself a break and know that projects like painting trim in some room you never use or alphabetizing your DVD collection will in no way help your child. But, if it makes you feel more prepared, then go for it. At this point, it’s all permissible as long as it makes you feel good. On a side note, that last phrase should never be used when you’re parenting. Just a word of caution.

The Pregnant Truth

While I turn to my baby books from time to time just to make sure I am not crazy (it never works--I’m usually crazy), I still find them somewhat demoralizing. Most of the books--well the two I have, anyway--will tell you some of the things to look forward to in pregnancy as well as pretty much everything under the sun that can go wrong. I don’t mind the sections about the possible chances of my child having a tail or extra appendages if I stand too close to a microwave because I enjoy any chance I can get to join support groups. I just sometimes feel like maybe the authors aren’t really being honest about pregnancy and what a new mother might actually be thinking and feeling. While I may not have clinical proof that my experiences can be generalized to all women, I still feel compelled to offer my version of what a month-by-month look at what pregnancy might be like. I can only go through the sixth month, but rest assured that seven, eight, and nine are on their way.

Month One:

You will think you are pregnant, but you aren’t sure. You are too cheap to buy a box of pregnancy tests and your husband’s words are still ringing in your ears from the last time you thought you were pregnant and freaked out: “Next time, just pee on this twenty dollar bill.” So, since you aren’t sure and you are cheap, you decide that it’s still OK to drink at a friend’s bachelorette party. Two mojitos, three shots of tequila, and one really bad karaoke version of “Don’t Stop Believing” later, you will realize that you may have made a horrible mistake. On the drive home, you will download an ovulation calendar app on your phone and try to remember the last time you may have had the opportunity to conceive a child.

Month Two:

Still too cheap to buy a pregnancy test, you will agonize over every little change in your body. Why do corn dogs taste delicious to me? Why can’t I fit into my jeans? Is it because of all the corn dogs? Does my chest really hurt or is it because I forgot to wear a bra to my aerobics class? You will finally cave and buy three pregnancy tests from the dollar store because two out of three ain’t bad. When the first test is a clear positive, you will begin to doubt the validity of the dollar store tests, yet will proceed to take the other two while your husband panics in the living room. When all three tests come back positive, you will stare blankly at the wall and think about something that looks like a tiny version of you sleeping in your uterus. After you shake that freakish thought out of your head, you will proceed to tell your husband who will read your face to try and know how to react. After you gather your jaws off of the floor and hold the only evidence of your child in your hands in the form of three plastic sticks, you will experience a myriad of emotions. The rest of the month you will walk around like you are secretly the queen of the universe because, well, you are.

Month Three:

You will take another pregnancy test. Just because you can. Nobody knows your secret and every time you pee on that stick, it lets off a little steam. By this month you should have Googled every known thing that can go wrong and if you have not yet believed that you have experienced at least 75% of these things, then you haven’t Googled enough. You Google some more.

Month Four:

You tell your family and maybe some friends that you are planning on bringing a child into this world. Let’s use the word “planning” loosely here. You will be bringing a child into this world and you will now have physical proof other than a pregnancy test: A blurry black-and-white picture of a jelly bean. This month, you should plan on having a mental break-down. Also plan on buying some new dishes and spackle as many of those dishes may have made dents in the wall and you will now have to repair said dents and replace some dishes. Your husband will do incredibly insensitive things like forget to put the toilet seat down or up depending on how you feel that day. He may also make rude remarks like, “Can you pass me the salt?” that will cause you to fly off the handle. You will not apologize for any of your reactions because for the next five or so months you will be rendered incapable of recognizing that you have made a mistake.

You will begin to try on maternity clothes that don’t even come close to fitting, yet your own clothes will be ridiculously uncomfortable. You will look in the mirror at yourself in maternity pants and think, “I will never have to wear these ugly clothes because my butt is never going to get this big!”

Month Five:

You will begin to arch your back so it doesn’t look like you just ate a big burger and you have digestion issues. When no one asks you if you are pregnant, you buy one item from the maternity section just to prove to yourself that you are. You may feel like a pubescent teenager as the evidence of increased hormones is all over your face and neck, but you may also be enjoying one change. Make that two changes, if you catch my drift. You will now be able to fill out the bra size you have always told yourself you were.

You will delete everything off of your online baby registry because you will have registered for the gender your baby is not. You will start all over on the registry begrudgingly at first, then with ease as the memories fade of the gender you thought you were having.

You will rush to have your husband feel the baby’s kicks and just as he places his hands on your tummy, the baby will refuse to move, causing him to suspect that this pregnancy thing is just a ruse for the whole corn dog fiasco.

As you are hit by the realization that you are halfway through your pregnancy, you will begin to completely rearrange everything in your life. Furniture, life goals, and vacation plans now all have something to do with the baby. You try to relax, but you will break down the next few months into events before the baby comes. You will begin to lament all of the things you have yet to do: “But I haven’t seen Mount Rushmore! I’ve never gone to China or even eaten good Chinese food for that matter. When will I ever get another opportunity to meet Oprah?”

There will be no rational answer to any of these questions. You will also wonder why your thighs are so big. The rational answer to this question is ‘corn dogs.’

Month Six:

You will freak out because you are only three months away from having a baby. Then you will realize that while nine minus six is in fact three, you actually have to complete four more months before the baby comes.

This month you will look in the mirror and realize that your thighs are actually getting smaller so you will pull our your favorite jeans breathing a sigh of relief and thanking God that pregnancy actually made you skinnier. When you rip a hole in said jeans you will come to the awful realization that you are now disproportionate and your swelling midsection is actually just making you look like an orange on two toothpicks.

You will begin to break down your time left before the baby comes into “weekends available for baby showers.” And when you realize that you have two weekends free until you give birth, you will begin to reevaluate those trips you have planned to see Mount Rushmore, China, and Oprah.

27 Weeks

The kitchen remodel is still in progress, but it's getting there. JJ put in those cool Starbucks looking lights, can lights, and a vent. It's true: we did not have a vent in our kitchen. I think it's my favorite new feature.

JJ reinstalling the dishwasher after we got our new linoleum. We really like the floors and now all we (read: JJ) has to do is put up the cabinet doors, have countertops installed, figure out what to do with the backsplash, slap some baseboard on and do some touch-up painting. Wow that sounded like a lot actually. Well, at least we have a floor now! I'm so proud of JJ!

So There We Were in Eastern Europe. . .

JJ and I got back from our trip to Romania and Hungary on Monday night after one two hour flight from Budapest to Amsterdam, a ten hour flight from Amsterdam to Seattle, and four hour car ride from Seattle to Spokane. It was a little strange getting home at essentially the same time we left and it has taken us until I think this morning to get over the jet-lag. But, we are back in action and ready for the next adventure.

It is difficult for me to describe our trip, so I will be borrowing from the websites of the organizations we worked with in Siria, Romania. First, to explain why JJ and I were asked to go:

We were asked by a group called YouthCompass Frankfurt to come to Romania on Project Compassion to provide the humor, recreation, and entertainment portion of the week for kids coming from other countries to serve. YouthCompass is a ministry to kids who likely have passports from one country, but may have not lived in that country for most of their lives. They have found themselves in Frankfurt, Germany living with Germans, but possibly speaking another language in their homes. In other words, they live in limbo at times trying to identify with two or more cultures they might not fit into. We went on the trip to bond this group of special students. Our good friends Justin and Heather Tillery work for YouthCompass in Frankfurt and were on the trip with us--what an amazing blessing.

{If you want to know more about YouthCompass Frankfurt go to www.youthcompass.org}

Project Compassion is the trip we went on. According to our facebook page, "Project Compassion is an annual services project which gathers teens from our network of European YouthCompass community youth programs and gives them the opportunity to make a difference in the lives of the underprivileged."

Many people have asked me if we were Bible smuggling or handing out literature. If you know us at all, you will know that those activities are not our style. I understand that most people have had a traditional view of Christian missions and find it difficult to grasp the concept of what we participated in. NetWorks was the group that is in charge of this trip and has relationships with the community in Siria. This is what their website says about what they do:

"Romania is a beautiful country with a rich history and culture of its own. In 2007, Romania became part of the European Union. Yet there are still many people living in incredible poverty. Small mud houses with earth floors, no fresh water and no drainage. There are children with no clothes, and there are homes with no doors and plastic sheeting for roofs.

Romania isn't a tropical country. Each winter temperatures drop to below minus 20 C. Young people in these communities have little hope for their future as they see old people living on pensions that won't even buy bread. Families fall apart, and children live and work on the streets.

Eighteen years after the revolution there are communities in Romania with massive needs. A lot has already been done, but there is a lot still to do.There are no simple solutions, yet there can be no ignoring the problem. No one person, or organization can meet this range of needs. NetWorks is a Christian charity (registered and based in Romania) which has begun to collaborate locally, nationally and internationally to begin to meet these needs."

Project Compassion is a small, but significant part of what NetWorks does in Romania and we were glad to be a part of these important relationships.

I feel like JJ and I were stowaways on this trip in the sense that we had no other job than to hang out with these "third culture kids" and to unite them with fun and humor. This trip was very meaningful to us because we were able to see what can happen to an oppressed people when significant and Christ-centered relationships are established.

For a week, we worked hard, laughed hard, and loved hard. We took some pictures of where we were, but we were not allowed to take pictures in the community in Siria. NetWorks did not want 50 people taking snapshots of poverty because those are real people living in really difficult circumstances--it's not poverty tourism. If you would like to see some pictures and video, please visit www.networks.org. Otherwise, you can check out the pictures I took of other towns and places near Siria:) The other pictures are from our jaunt to Budapest on the way home. Happy viewing. . .

RoMANIA.

JJ and I are headed off to Romania on Thursday. We have been asked to do program for a mission trip the Frankfurt, Germany Youth Compass branch is doing called "Project Compassion." So off we go, Joe and Mary Joe, two average Joes just trying to make it to the 2014 Sochi Olympics. We will explain more once we get back state-side, but let's just say we are going to be wearing sweet sweatsuits and a couple of really attractive wigs for about a week. JJ might throw in a Fu Manchu and I, of course, will be the voice for all Canadian soccer moms with a dream to be somebody. Confused? So are we. It's why we're good at what we do.

the best part about this whole trip is that our good friends Justin and Heather Tillery just happen to be the Frankfurt Youth Compass directors and they will be at Project Compassion! We didn't even know that when we took the job, then one day it just clicked that we would be seeing them. My heart is overjoyed and I simply cannot wait to be with our friends. They are so dear and work so hard at their ministry. We feel honored to be a part of it and I have daily reflected on the goodness of God as he orchestrated this incredible trip. What are the odds?

Please be praying for little Hansel Vancil on this trip. The poor guy doesn't even know that he is going out of the country! Pray for our safety and health and that my body will continue to heal and stay strong while we are away from our normal life. Pray for Justin and Heather as they travel with students. Pray for the Gypsy community in Siria, Romania we will be ministering to and thank God that he is working in their lives all the time.

I promise to post a picture of Joe and Mary Joe once we get back home. They are truly spectacular in all their matching-sweatsuit-wearing-maple-leaf-loving-fries-and-gravy-eating-Royal-Mountie-saluting glory. Oh, Canada. . .

We're Number One!

I promise I won't be one of those moms that has the "I'm the Proud Parent of a Jefferson Middle School Honor Student" bumper sticker on the back of my van. I cannot promise that I won't be like the "O'Doyle Rules" mom, because let's be honest--this kid already knows he's a winner. Either that, or he somehow smuggled a tiny version one of those foam "number one" hands in there.

Last week we had the 20 week anatomy ultrasound so for about a half an hour, we had the pleasure of looking into Hansel's life in utero. He wasn't super active and found a spot he seemed comfortable in and wouldn't budge. Because of that we didn't see the face, just the profile. I'm actually cool with that because I think ultrasounds of babies from the front make them look like Picasso paintings or Jack the Pumpkin King.

Aside from not wanting to move his body, he did something else guys love to do and kept his right hand between his legs and his left thumb in his mouth. He's the perfect mix of both of us--left-handed and um, male, I guess.

The rest of the appointment went well and the doctor told me to continue taking it easy. She said if I don't, I have to choose between work and my internship. That feels like an impossible decision to make, so it looks like I will be taking it easy!

By taking it easy, I mean finishing the kitchen remodel and going to Romania.

No big deal.

Half Full. . .

I am notorious for reading only half of many of the books I pick up. In my defense, there are many books I have read all the way through, but when it matters, you can usually find me picking out words in bold and italics and Googling them so I at least know the terms which gives the illusion of having read the whole thing. [For what it’s worth, my computer didn’t red zig-zag underline ‘Googling’--it’s a sign of the times]

I also have a bin full of sewing projects that I have half-done. It’s a shame because they will stay that way until I can find half a baby to put half a blanket on or until I can give half a craft to a friend on her half-birthday.

There are countless movies that I will never know the end to which is pretty much fine with me because they usually never turn out the way I want them to. There are half-enjoyed cold cups of coffee sitting in my half-clean office which probably means that the coffee wasn’t all that great and my office probably wasn’t all that messy.

I am not proud of the things I have half-done in my life, but I’m not really ashamed. Maybe it leaves me with a feeling that there is always something out there to be completed or accomplished or the more likely scenario is that I get bored easily. Either way, there is one thing I am very proud of doing halfway:

That’s right--half of my pregnancy is over. It’s crazy to think that 20 weeks have gone by and I only have to do that many more weeks before we get to hold our son. So, I consider it quite the accomplishment to have done this one thing half-way. However, unlike my coffee, office, books, and movies I look forward to the completion of this little project.

In other news, it feels like spring in Spokane and it is so nice. I woke up this morning and checked on my orchid and it was still one blossom and two little green buds. By the time I got home today I had two beautiful blossoms and one green bud. Orchids are difficult to raise, but it is so rewarding when they finally open. Simply having such a unique and perfect flower on my table brightens up our house and it’s a lovely reminder of the newness and purity of the spring season.

Breaking the Law. . .

Today, I am deliberately disobeying doctor’s orders. Let me explain. I have been told to stay on bed rest for the next week. I completely understand why and I trust the doctor. After all, she is the one with all of the letters after her name--not me. She’s the one that can look at the ultrasound screen and tell me what I’m looking at--not me. And she is the one who has been doing this for thirty years and has seen everything under the sun--not me. However, I made the executive decision to leave the house today and it’s based on these facts:

1. I hate winter. Technically, it is still winter. It is currently 55 and sunny. If I don’t go outside immediately, I am sure I will melt into non-existence if not simply mediocrity.
2. I asked my cat what we--yes, we--should do today. Twice. I am sure I don’t need to explain why that warrants getting out of the house.
3. If I do not leave my home, I will really go against doctor’s orders and begin lifting heavy things that I not longer want in my house. This includes three years of Real Simple magazine. If you have just now realized that you haven’t read Real Simple in three years and you need to catch up, I know of a cat you could shoo away who is currently sitting on them and you, too can have your own pile of outdated magazines.
4. I ate a bowl of cereal out of a bowl that I stupidly neglected to clean the dust from the kitchen renovation out of. I am tired of dust today. At least my dust. I am currently staring at a dust bunny in a coffee shop that doesn’t bother me a bit.

While there are other compelling reasons to leave my home while I am supposed to be on bed rest, I thought those were the top four. So here I am, at a coffee shop enjoying the sunshine and eavesdropping. This adventure out today has made me think about my current condition and my attitude toward the things happening to me the past few days.

So I walked into the coffee shop and immediately thought, “Who are all these people not at work? They can’t ALL be breaking bed rest rules like me! But what other reason do they have for not being at their jobs?”

The answer is probably more simple than my imagination made it, but I assumed that most of these people don’t have jobs, so I immediately felt better about not being able to be at my job. Now here comes one of the hardest parts of any day for me: Taking off my coat. When I have the marshmallow jacket on, no one knows that I am pregnant. When I take it off, I imagine that most people are thinking, “Hey, lady! Get a gym membership or get rid of that drinking problem!”

In reality, I am sure that most people assume that I am just beginning to show in my pregnancy, yet I still am so self-conscious about my confusing waistline. I look around for the best place to sit and I can already tell that there is no one I can sit next to today that won’t annoy me. Within one minute of being in the coffee shop, I see a mouth-breather, a guy who describes everything as “effing” rad, a woman who is trying to force a laugh at the things he is describing as “effing” rad but I can tell has about a thousand other things to be doing, and a husband and wife with three children under the age of four (two of which were crying, one of which was taking advantage of his parents’ distraction by eating part of a magazine). The wife, who seemed tired and mad, looked at me as if to say, “Oh, that was me four years ago. I could still fit into my skinny jeans, full of hope and excitement. Look at me now. My kids are inconsolable, one of them is finishing of the personal ads with a glass of milk, and my husband is on his Blackberry Googling ‘Walk-In Vasectomy Clinics.’”

I also imagined that most of these people assumed that I don’t have a job, but I brought my laptop just to prove that I am important and worthy to be working from a coffee shop. In any case, I am in a room full of strangers who likely don’t care about why I am at a coffee shop in the middle of the day, yet I feel so ashamed to be here. I feel ashamed that I am not at my real job. Ashamed that my body is malfunctioning and I have to be on bed rest. Ultimately, I am scared that my life won’t turn out the way I planned all because of one week of rest for my unborn child.

It is in my nature to analyze and reanalyze my every thought and action. I want to make sure that my motivations are pure and that I have a rationalization for thinking and feeling the way I do. In this analysis today, I am beginning to realize that I am in the middle of a gigantic paradigm shift in my life. I made plans to finish graduate school, finish out a good year in my job, exercise until the day I give birth, and have all of my proverbial “ducks in a row” so in July I can bring my child into a home that is peaceful and put together. I don’t know what the outcome will be of this week. I assume I won’t be able to exercise or clean my house the way I like it. I will likely finish graduate school on time and I will probably go back to my job. But, there is a chance I won’t. Maybe there is something seriously wrong and I will deliver my child next week. Maybe I will finish graduate school next fall and I won’t get to walk with the rest of my class in May. In my mind, all of these possibilities would kill me. They would crush my spirit because I would feel that I am not only disappointing myself, but everyone else. I would be a failure.

On the other hand, I have to remember that God and I don’t measure success in the same way. In fact the people in this coffee shop probably see me more like God sees me. They don’t really care what I am doing at this coffee shop in the middle of the day. In fact, if I sat down and talked to that worn-out mom, I imagine that she would tell me I’m doing everything right. She would probably even tell me that her crying, magazine eating children are the best thing that ever happened to her and she would have made the same decisions I have had to make.

So, here I am in this crowded coffee shop, pretending to be on bed rest, thankful that God is in control and I don’t have to be anymore. It still pains me that things might not turn out the way I planned, but as I feel this child kick inside me, I realize that my success and worth in this moment lie in trusting God that he will do anything to sustain this little boy’s life.

He upholds the universe by the word of his power. . .in putting everything in subjection to him, he left nothing outside his control.