Refer to Month Four. Your butt got that big.
However, it will be offset by what some clinically insane people call a “baby bump.” At this point, you will begin to realize that certain activities are nearly impossible. Some are nearly impossible because doing them drives you crazy (dishes, showering, making conversation), but others are nearly impossible because you cannot physically accomplish them without some act of incontinence or simply a general inability to maneuver around said “baby bump.” For example, you may discover a pair of shoes you have not worn in quite some time. Those shoes will look perfect with the new ultra-flattering, tent-like shirt you have just purchased, so you put them on. It’s early in the morning so your feet are still a reasonable shape and size. You bend down to tie them and realize that there is something preventing you from doing so. You stand up. You try again, this time, expelling all of your breath to ensure that you will reach the laces. You will not reach the laces. For the first time since Kindergarten, you will not be able to tie your shoes. This is not because you have forgotten if the bunny goes in the hole before or after he goes around the tree. It is because your “bump” is an impassable fortress threatening the very life of your new fashion statement.
Speaking of Kindergarten, you will being to find yourself doing many things you have not done since Kindergarten. First, as I mentioned before, you might pee your pants. Right when you tell yourself that you just went the bathroom and you couldn’t possibly have to pee again, a certain fetus of yours will do a headstand on your bladder. This is incidentally why you will begin wearing long dresses. Not because you have actually peed on yourself, but simply to erase the fear that someone will notice if you do. Please note, that just because you are pregnant does not mean that you can get away with everything. Peeing on yourself in public is in no way one of those things when people think, “Oh, she’s pregnant, you say? She has every right.” At this point, you only have every right to have cankles and cellulite. Sorry.
You will also continue having outbursts much like you did when you were five. Here is a secret no one will tell you: This is an instance when people will say,”Oh, she’s pregnant, you say? She has every right.”
It’s amazing what you can get away with. Of course, pre-meditated outbursts are still unacceptable, but when the occasional outburst occurs and you feel terrible about it (which you will), you don’t have to tell anyone about your guilt. Let it slide. This may be the only time since you were five that you can say what’s really on your mind and no one will blame you for it.
At this point, you have likely forgotten what it was like to not be pregnant and you probably are feeling pretty good about the way you look and feel. You have likely stopped worrying about eating too much at parties because you can’t possibly have a “food baby.” Also, you don’t even have the option to pull your pants up over your pooch or muffin top, because they have simply disappeared. You might even tell yourself that you look like a goddess because, you actually do. Enjoy it.
If this hasn’t occurred already, this will be the point in your pregnancy when you have exhausted all of your stock responses to baby comments and questions about your pregnancy. When people ask if you know what you are having, instead of responding and waiting for the next inevitable questions (Have you picked out a name yet? and When is the due date?), you will begin responding like so:
“It’s a _______. Yes, we have a name. No I’m not telling you what it is. And the baby is due on _________.”
Or when someone says, “Oh, you’re pregnant,” you will begin resisting the temptation to tell then that it’s just a tumor. You might even try something like,”So that’s what’s going on in there!” or “Yeah, but I haven’t told my husband--I’m waiting for the right time.”
At this point, some things that were never options for you to say and do before are suddenly completely rational. Here is a personal story:
I was at the supermarket looking at lettuce. A woman came up behind me, awkwardly close, and looked at the same lettuce. Every time I moved, she moved with me. So, I went to a new aisle to get some peanut butter. I poked my head around the corner to the produce section and saw that the coast was clear, so I made my way to the lettuce. I am there for no more than 15 seconds when the same lady came back to peer over my shoulder at the lettuce. Eight months ago, this would have creeped me out and I would have just left without lettuce. But this was not eight months ago. I proceeded to turn around and stare her down. I said something like, “I don’t know if you are a secret shopper or what, but you have gotten weirdly close to me twice now while I am looking at lettuce. You need to BACK OFF! Do some other shopping like a normal person until I am done shopping for lettuce. This will take a lot less time if you go away and let me pick a head of freaking lettuce.”
I then grabbed a head of freaking lettuce and walked away feeling completely normal. I finished my shopping with a clear conscience. While I likely destroyed that woman’s life for a night, she probably told someone that she was accosted by a pregnant woman at the store and they surely said something like, “Yeah, but she’s pregnant, you should cut her some slack.”
At least that’s what I told myself so I can sleep at night.
This month, you will begin realizing that you will not indeed be pregnant forever. You might even resist the temptation to shop for maternity clothes. This is either because you are tired of thinking of new ways to not look huge or because you are seeing the light at the end of the tunnel telling you that you won’t be needing maternity clothes soon. You may begin to feel kind of not so goddess-like anymore. On the plus side, goddesses wear togas so muumuus are actually more historically accurate.
Hopefully by this point, the panic is setting in and you are doing something about it. Like throwing everything in your house out whether it’s useful or not. My husband has been digging through the garbage to find most of his things. He pulled out an alarm clock with coffee grounds and egg all over it and said, “Why did you throw this out? I paid $90 for this in college!”
All I could say was, “Well, I’ve never used it and you shouldn’t have spent $90 on a clock in college. Consider dumpster diving your penance for wasting $90 on a clock.”
Please remember that babies don’t care if your life is totally in order. Also realize that even if your life is organized and everything is in place for another person to live in your house, it won’t stay that way. Not because you will be totally out of control with a kid, but because that’s life. So, give yourself a break and know that projects like painting trim in some room you never use or alphabetizing your DVD collection will in no way help your child. But, if it makes you feel more prepared, then go for it. At this point, it’s all permissible as long as it makes you feel good. On a side note, that last phrase should never be used when you’re parenting. Just a word of caution.